**trigger warming: includes sensitive content**
“Violence is an uncontrollable animal, which usually ends up attacking its own master” - Renny yagosesky.
Domestic violence is a form of abuse that occurs, or is caused by someone who is present in one’s domestic sphere. Despite numerous waves against it over the years, domestic violence seems to increase day by day. The most common example can be of marriage- where one partner is dominating and is trying to be controlling. However, it’s not confined to married couples it can be in any domestic relationship.
Primarily it has been noticed that violence is committed
largely by men towards women but so far it’s not true. The violence can also be
committed by women in both heterosexual and LGBTQ+ relationships.
There are varied forms of domestic violence:
• Physical Abuse
This form of abuse happens moderately in a relationship.
Initially it starts with a push, scratching, pinching etc. which are often
ignored and are taken lightly by the victim therefore this neglect takes a further
step in making it enormous. It is often seen that an abuser explains this behaviour
as reflex action i.e. if in any situation a person feels like hitting someone
then it should be considered normal. They blame the victim for the act and
manipulative them into thinking that the later must have had done something
wrong which caused the aggression resulting into physical assault. The person
might also in their regard blame it on the influence from alcohol, drugs etc.
There are many signs of physical abuse moving in stages:
Pulling the hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or
choking
Forbidding the other from eating or sleeping
Hurting the other person with weapons
Preventing then from calling the police or seeking medical
attention.
• Mental Abuse
This type of abuse can also be named as emotional or
psychological. The bewilderment to address the situation is quite obvious
because when one is in a consistent behavioural pattern of an abuser, one tends
to overlook the sensitivity of the issue. Amidst the rapid development and
growth of the community the abuse has taken this form very swiftly hence? it
should not be avoided. The effects of mental abuse can go to an extent where a
victim thinks that he/she has no dignity and respect. The situation may also
lead to many serious mental health problems such as anxiety, Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder, depression, insomnia and many more. Signs of mental abuse are
very vast. Some common of them are: humiliation, nagging, criticizing,
catcalling, etc.
• Sexual abuse
To indulge in any sort of relationship, consent is a must.
One shall be asked whether they are willing or not, same is with a case of
physical relationship. When a partner forces sexual behaviour upon their
counterpart without their consent, it is called sexual abuse. It does not
happen due to intractable sex drive but to humiliate and insult their partner.
There are types of sexual abuse:-
Rape – act of sexual intercourse without consent
Gang rape – more than one attacker
Serial rape – repeated act of assault by a same attacker
over the period of time
Marital rape – act of sexual intercourse without the
spouse’s consent
In many areas, marital rape is not considered serious
because it is believed that after marriage there is no say for consent or such behaviour
shall be considered normal. It is very important to understand that in any
relationship there is no one person who is superior but it is an alliance based
on equality.
• Financial abuse
Financial abuse occurs when the victim is denied access to
use and maintain finances. It deeply affects the victim because they become
dependent from pin to bow on their partners. The victim’s partner control
current and future earnings of the victim, this is a case where both of them
are working perhaps it does not include those who are not even capable of
working. The situation is trounced in the later environment. The effects of
financial abuse are ruinous. Without money gains and financial aid it’s very
difficult to have a safety plan and come out of the abusive relationship.
Limiting this source, limits every possibility for independence. It becomes
easy for an abuser to mentally, emotionally and physically harass the victim as
they know they have no chance to leave or any financial access and help. Damage
has a long lasting impact.
How to recognize?
Domestic violence is
caused by someone who is from the domestic sphere, someone sharing a close
relationship hence it is very difficult recognise the pattern of behaviour as
abusive in such an atmosphere because one is not only related to the person but
is invested emotionally, mentally, physically and by so many other important
aspects thus all of these cause a great hindrance to detect the effects of
violence over an individual. Some signs for the same are:-
• Feeling scared and uncomfortable
• Being hurt or suffered violence
• Verbally abused in public and in isolation as well
• Forced consummation
• Egress from financial resources
• Mentally harassed
• Restrictions over baseless orthodoxy thrown upon you
• Low self esteem
• Recurring mental breakdowns
• Bruises, scratches etc.
Break the cycle
When things happen on a regular basis and when there is no
change, a change is required. It’s a vicious pattern; firstly the abuser
assaults the victim then to repair it the former brings expensive gifts,
flowers, cards to emotionally manipulate the later by putting blames and
confusing them to think that they are at fault so instead of apologizing they
put entire guilt on victim. This shady repetitive manoeuvre of abuser is and
should be unacceptable because when you accept this pattern, it gives
confidence to the abuser and they repeat it hence break the cycle. It’s not
necessary for one to suffer such behaviour and settle for negotiations and
adjustments. If you ever see and feel assaulted in any form of abuse you must
call out for safety plan or judicial help.
Dynamics in India
India is one of the largest democracies of the world and is
very popular in international arena for its contribution in different fields.
India is a diverse country and culturally very rich, people often get
fascinated with the fact that India is a land where values, etiquettes,
history, tradition holds people together under a unified umbrella of
patriotism. The constitution of India is very strong and it doesn’t
discriminate any person on the basis of religion, caste, creed, gender.
Everyone is considered equal before the law; however one such reality can’t be
ignored when it comes to gender equality. Although the richness of its culture
makes India a famous tourist attraction but the ground reality is horrifying
when we talk about women. Internationally India might have gained popularity
but on a domestic sphere there is a long way to go. After 76 years of
independence women still find difficulties in securing equal respect and
recognition as an individual in the society, in some or the other way they have
always been seen as a subordinate to men. Men in India outcast women in many
ways, they are harassed, paid less, considered unequal etc. whether its work
front or at home the condition seems miserable for a large proportion of women.
Talking about domestic violence it prevails in India in every form in urban and
rural areas as well. Safety here in this case is not a criteria because for its
culture and tradition women speaking for themselves asking for rights find it
difficult to go for any legalities as it is considered a sin to talk about the
domestic problems thus, a man gets a confidence that whatever may happen they can’t
come out of this circle. We live in patriarchal structure of society. We often
tell our daughters to be perfect woman, a woman respected by all, who had done
no sinful deed but what we forget to teach that gender is not the norm but to
educate every individual regardless of their gender, caste, creed etc. that to
be human and kind is more important than characterising or glorifying the
notion of being man or woman. Why domestic violence amid the pandemic is
considered shadow pandemic because the partner has ample time or say due to
lock down there are no services provided, they are stuck together whole day,
constantly abused. We are made to learn acceptance, adjustments, sacrifices,
but what we do lack is how to be generous to others. Dowry deaths prevail in India
at large number. During marriage expensive gifts are exchanged and there is a
price of daughter yes it is true. It’s no more a sacred association of two
souls but a business deal. All this on the other hand doesn’t revolve around
only women but false accusations on men being offender are too in news now. The
tradition of respect, love, harmony, unity, dignity seems to fade away slowly
and gradually. The direction of path we are walking on now is not what our
ancestors and our future generation would sign up for. It is our duty to make
it a better place
There is a long way to bring the change but it’s never
late.
Testimony:
“I started to accept the abuse to prove how much I love him.
I was in a domestic violence relationship. When I met this
person I never saw any sign of doubt. We had an arranged marriage but it was
not that some stranger was entering our lives; the world is small so our
families knew each other- his mother was a teacher in my high school.
Everything happened in a process, with time. It was neither too fast nor too
slow. His family seemed kind, grateful and mature or maybe I was too positive
to flip the coin and see the other side of it. It was on the day of our wedding
when an awkward moment happened but it didn’t go too far as we handled it
maturely. Things went wrong when he left for Australia for a month and I was
supposed to join him but it was delayed for 5 months.
His family didn’t support the idea of me meeting my family,
friends or for that matter even go out of the house. They were emotionally
manipulative but I didn’t care too much for it as ultimately I was to go to
Australia and settle down there. These were small things that didn’t affect me
that much but it was confusing and I wanted to confront it but then I was in a
very initial stage of my marriage and to complaint about all this would have
come as ‘I am not ready to take up the responsibility’ so I didn’t tell anyone.
I kept quiet about everything to adjust in this family.
For 5 months, whenever my husband and I talked on the phone,
he was either drunk or not in a state to talk; he would abuse and slut shame me
and whenever I asked for money for my basic necessities he would question and
generalize me, saying that ‘all you women marry for money after all’. After
this he would always call and apologize to me for saying all that and would
manipulate by saying ‘sorry, I am waiting for you, can’t wait to start my life
with you!’ I accepted all of it because every husband and wife fight, arguments
happen and we are always taught that we need to learn to adjust and be humble
and kind as he is your husband.
In late 2018, I was finally done with all the paperwork and
bought the ticket which my father arranged for but as soon as I landed and
reached the exit he came to pick me up and there was no happiness and
excitement on his face rather he came to pick me up with other boys all drunk,
they were sweating and smelling as if didn’t bath for days and when we reached
home it was a mess!
I waited for 10-12 hours that day in our room. He came after
long hours drunk and tired. On many occasions he would force himself on me
making everything uncomfortable. But to make sure he is not feeling alone or
unloved I accepted all of his behaviour, all his toxicity just to prove him
that I loved him regardless of any materialistic thing. However, this mess
didn’t stop from spreading because his uncle was too in this picture. They used
to follow me through the streets and when I confronted them they denied and my
husband supported his uncle and ultimately the person to be blamed was me.
Many times they would leave the house locking me down and
not giving me access to anything so that I don’t step out of the house. His
uncle too abused and slut shamed me. For 7 months I was not given any penny. I
was all by myself on savings or with my parent’s support. There were days when
I didn’t get food and I lost weight. All of these made me physically weak and
mentally exhausted. I started to shiver, lost all confidence, courage and strength.
It was like living in a nightmare. It is not easy to explain because in a
marriage such things happen you must know how to survive but to survive too you
need to have resources and I got nothing.
Finally in February 2019 I escaped! At 2am in my night suit
with 35 kilograms all alone in this new country, no one by my side. I took help
from the police there and they were very helpful. This might not be the first
but definitely was the first time I broke the circle of toxic, narcissistic
masculinity. I was left with no option. My family was supportive so I stood up
for myself. It wasn’t easy but all I am grateful today is that I am alive and
things may seem bold and strong from third person point of view but I am still
processing.”
Conclusion
Know your rights and laws as said it’s never late. The effects of domestic violence can be long lasting. It’s not the victim who suffers alone but their well-wishers too. It was never and will never be easy to step out but at some point we need to gather all the courage and strength that we have to stand for ourselves no matter what.
We need to remember that everyone is different. We all have our own share of ups and down but to suffer miserably is our choice and we don’t have to choose it. If you don’t feel right then speak up don’t wait, just say it. Nobody in this beautiful world deserves to suffer abuse. Seek out for judiciary. The process might take every ounce of your energy but never give up. Always remember that humanity has not ended from this world.
All we need to do is stay strong, stand for ourselves and start living.
By- Mahima
Edited by- Supriya Singh
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